I always bring my bankcard when I go for my morning jog through Central Park and I always run past the ASPEC chamber to see who is using it. Sometimes I just hear the muffled moans and screams, other times I see people waiting in line or climbing in. The ones waiting are usually turned inward, contemplating life I suppose, and the ones climbing in usually look serious and scared. I’ve learned watching this every morning that even though people choose to climb into the ASPEC to experience their particular assisted suicides, death is always frightening.
The reason I bring my bank card is because one day - when my mood is just right - I’m going to climb in there myself. Does it surprise you? I know, you think I have the perfect life; I’m young, healthy, pretty, I have a good job that pays well, blah-blah-blah. But what you don’t see is the bouts of deep depression and the feelings of hopelessness that grip me when I’m alone in my apartment. And I’m always alone. I’ve never found a partner who can tolerate my mood swings, and none of them can satisfy me sexually - no matter how skilled my lovers have been, I’ve always wanted more, and what I want no sane man or woman is willing to give me.
I crave intensity. I crave pain. Not the pedestrian spanking, nipple clamp pain, but full on searing pain deep inside me. Ever since I learned about Die Happy and visited their website, I’ve fantasized about the most intense method they offer; complete evisceration - being opened and emptied.
There was a girl who I saw waiting her turn for the ASPEC a few weeks ago - she looked sad, but determined. I smiled at her as I ran past because I admired her; she had made the decision to make her death dreams come true, where I was still hesitating.
When I finished my loop and was on my way back, I saw that she was inside the chamber, so I walked over and saw on the display panel that she had chosen an impalement. Hot and sweaty from my morning run I put my ear to the blue cover of the chamber to listen. I could hear her ecstasy and her pain; her screams and her violent puking; and finally the voice of the machine telling her to let go and to sleep. When it was over, I heard her body drop into the cremation chamber at the base of the ASPEC and felt the heat as she was burned to ash. I discovered I had slipped my right hand into my jogging pants and was masturbating as I listened to her die.
Does that make me a horrible person?
This morning as I took the right turn onto the path that led past the ASPEC, I came upon three young women gathered in the dappled morning sunshine; one was videoing a blond girl who was sitting on a park bench and her friend who was fingering her. I could smell the stale booze and cigarette smoke scent coming off them, and all three were giggly and a little unsteady on their feet. They had been partying all night and were finishing off in the park.
“Looks like the end of a fun night.” I said as I stopped and smiled at them, bending over with my hands on my knees to catch my breath.
“Yeah, celebrating. We just had our farewell breakfast, but it’s not over yet.” the one filming said, “Alexis is finishing herself off in the ASPEC this morning. Lauren is getting her ready.”
“A little gentle fluffing?” I observed.
“Yep.” said the girl, “I’m Sierra, by the way.”
“Hi. I’m Kath ... Katherine.” I said, squeezing the fingers of the hand Sierra offered, “How is she going out?”
Sierra snorted a laugh, “Well, believe it or not, our sweet little Alexis wants to go out in agony. She wants to be eviscerated - gutted like a trout.”
“Hard core.” I said, suppressing a little quiver, “I’ve narrowed it down to evisceration myself.”
Sierra looked up at me for the first time. “Why?” she asked.
“Why do I want to die or why choose pain?”
“Pain. And that.” Sierra says running a finger down my belly through my sweaty top.
“I figure you only get one death, so might as well make it spectacular.” I said, "And can you imagine how 'that' would feel?"
“But the pain ...”
“Yeah. I’ve been known to get off on it.” I admit, “And sometimes I want so much more.”
“To see how much you can take?” Sierra sounded like she was starting to get it.
“Something like that.” I said, thinking, “I think it’s more like wanting to be pushed past my limits - to feel pain so intense that I’m overwhelmed. Sounds like that’s where Alexis is at too.”
“Yeah. It’s all she’s talked about to Blaire and I all night.” Sierra said, “You know, she’s always been our little sad-sack, but since she made up her mind she’s been happy as a smurf.”
“I’m not kidding, all she talked about was how intense it will feel to get her belly opened up with the ASPEC’s razor saw, and how it will feel to have her guts pulled out, loop by loop.” Sierra said and shuddered, “Not my way, that’s for sure.”
“Well, I hope it’s everything she wants it to be.” I said and patted Sierra on the shoulder as I rose, “And it’s awesome that you two are being so supportive of her.”
“Thanks.” said Sierra, continuing to video her friends as I resumed my jog.
As I traversed the park on my usual route, I couldn’t get Alexis out of my head; such a sweet young girl wanting the same brutal experience as I did. It would be her last - her final moment alive, and I admit that the crotch of my jogging pants was getting steamy thinking about it.
At the far end of the park that is my usual turn-around point, I saw that Monty had his blended yoghurt stand open and was doing solid sales to early-birds in business suits who didn’t have time for a regular breakfast as they scurried to work. I was feeling horny, so I decided to treat myself ... well, bloat myself; I always found that overstuffed belly feeling to be so sexual, and vomiting up all that pressure when I got home was such bliss. I ordered a triple peach which was a litre of sweet, smooth goodness. I started walking back toward home via the ASPEC sucking from my peach yoghurt and feeling the expanding coldness in my belly. I drank it fast so I could resume my jog. I liked jogging with a full belly, feeling it churn and foam and expand in me.
Jogging back and feeling the weight of my liquid filled stomach bouncing like a pendulum inside me and feeling it slosh and foam made me even hornier, so when the ASPEC came into view and I saw Blaire and Sierra sitting on the grass leaning against the chamber and Alexis nowhere in sight I knew it was happening for her, so I slowed and approached.
Sierra’s face was pale, where Blaire’s was flushed. Both girls looked a bit traumatized, but the nipples on both girls were tenting the bibs of their dresses. I could hear muffled thumps and shrieks from inside the ASPEC.
“She’s not doing well in there.” Sierra said, and I saw she was trembling.
I stepped closer to the ASPEC and pressed my ear to the lid - it was a surreal experience ... It was a beautiful sunny morning with birds singing and the distant sounds of traffic as people went about their lives, while inside the chamber a girl was enduring a prolonged violent assisted suicide.
Alexis’ voice was raw, loud, and guttural as she reacted to what the ASPEC was doing to her - I could hear servomotors and her cries as it worked her body. When I first pressed my ear to the ASPEC I wasn’t sure but I thought she cried out; “Cumming!” and right after that I heard the sound of a saw spinning up and slicing through her flesh and her screams as it did. As I heard the servo motors working on her open belly, I could only imagine what they were doing to her body - her cries sounded sexual in a sadomasochistic way. I could hear her knees and hands thumping against the sides of the chamber, and it was hard to tell if her cries were always sexual or pure pain, but I’m pretty sure she was getting what she wanted because at no time did she beg it to stop. Alexis was overwhelmed, but this is what she asked for - an intense and brutal, sexual death.
“She’s okay.” I told the girls in a reassuring voice, “Alexis is getting what she wants.”
I glanced down at the message panel summary and saw that she had indeed selected ‘evisceration’, ‘midline’, and ‘manual internal organ removal’ and I have no doubt that Alexis was enduring torturous pain like none she’d ever felt before, but was also feeling a perverse sexual joy in her final moments as ASPEC took her belly apart. I imagined the thumps were her trying to brace her arms and knees against the sides of the chamber as servo-guided grippers pulled parts of her out of her open belly.
Near the end of her torturous experience all three of us heard her clearly cry out; “...cumming! ...”, as though she was trying to reassure her friends that the experience was orgasmic for her.
Blaire and Sierra looked up at me with wide eyes and I nodded; Alexis was experiencing intense orgasms. I believe in that moment Alexis was thinking about her two friends outside the chamber listening to her grunts and screams and wanted to reassure them that it was everything she wanted. Then the violent vomiting began and I felt a quivering sexual clenching deep in the bottom of my own belly, and shiver-bumps over my bum and up my back. After each prolonged, ejaculatory convulsion her tone was that of post-orgasmic bliss - the sound women make after a strenuous sexual workout; completely sated and weak with afterglow.
She fell silent a few seconds after the last sustained gurgling heave and all I could hear was the birds in the nearby trees and the distant traffic.
I stepped back as the three of us listened to the muffled sounds of Alexis’ body being dropped into the cremation chamber at the base of the ASPEC, and the sounds of the self-cleaning mechanism inside the machine. After we heard the ‘phump’ of the flames lighting and the muffled roar as Alexis’ body being reduced to ash, Sierra laid her hands on the base of the ASPEC.
“I can feel the heat.” she said in a quiet, awed voice, a faltering smile dancing on her lips.
I had a different reaction, more of an existential one really; Alexis had just planned and carried out the end of her existence - the climax of her experience in this life - in this universe. Her final moments were beyond the scale of physical intensity, a sharp and bright end to her short life, and she was allowed those last few seconds to realize that before death took her. She died young at the peak of physical sensation, given the ecstatic experience to actually feel her body ripped apart, knowing through it all that it would soon come to an end - that she would come to an end and be released. And now she is lost to oblivion and her body is being reduced to its base components and given back to the universe. Alexis went from immersion in the hot taste of life to sweet, quiet tranquility inside this wish-granting chamber.
And for me, everything crashes down into this moment. My whole life, my entire existence, my desires, my sexuality, my sadness, and my crushing hopelessness looking toward a cloudy future.
I dig into the pocket of my sweat-wet jogging pants and pull out my debit card. This is it; I’m going to do it. I want what Alexis just had.
I feel shiver-bumps dancing up my thighs and bum, tingling their way up my flanks and belly, to pucker my nipples and wash over my face and scalp as I start keying in my information on the message panel. I key in ‘evisceration’, ‘lap cut’, ‘organ play - deep’ and - because I am greedy and can afford it - a full 30 minutes of stimulation. I also key in that I want manual control of the evisceration sequence - I want it to happen at the perfect time - I want that final choice to be in my hands as I will myself to relax in my arousal and start my final experience.
By the time I am done and am authorizing payment, I feel feverish and dizzy, somewhat dissociated. My legs are weak and the peach yoghurt I drank is heavy in my belly. But I am aroused - so aroused - and craving what is about to happen to me. The girls have stood up and are watching me with expressions of shock and surprise.
“You’re doing it?” Blaire asks - she is breathless, wide-eyed, and I know; excited.
I nod as she looks at the message panel.
“Just like Alexis.” she says in awe. Sierra covers her mouth with one hand and reaches out with the other to touch my shoulder.
“... oh my god ...” she whispers in a trembling voice, “You’re going in after hearing that?”
I reach up and pat her fingers as the heavy door of the ASPEC chamber opens for me and discover my hands are trembling.
“It’s okay.” and I catch the irony that I am comforting her in this moment. Blaire hugs me, pressing her face against my chest. The warmth of her body makes my heart ache - I will never again feel human contact once I climb into the chamber.
“Can we stay? Listen?” she whispers.
“Yes.” I gasp, suddenly feeling breathless, “I’d like that.”
My muscles are feeling weaker by the second as inescapable fear floods my body. My legs are shaking and I feel my armpits become slick with fear-sweat, the skunky smell rising as my body heats up. This is becoming real, not just an idle thought as I jog past, now I am going to climb into the ASPEC and I’m scared.
So fucking scared.
Blaire releases her hug and seeing my trembling steadies me as I try to climb into the chamber. I feel awkward and uncoordinated, the heel on my runner catching on the edge. I step back and lick my runners off, then try again and whimper. I’m still awkward, still uncoordinated and needing both the girls to help me in. I roll into it at last and flop down onto the padded cradle that I will die on.
I settle into the damp padded cushions as best I can, feeling the warmth from Alexis’ body and look up at Sierra and Blaire as the chamber door lowers. Blaire blows me a kiss and in that moment I feel a craving for kinship with these girls; Alexis’ witnesses ... my witnesses. I want to feel them again, I want to be with them - a deep aching need for human touch that I know will be absent once the ASPEC machine starts in on me.
The chamber seals and the smells hit me; I can smell the strong musky scent of Alexis’ arousal mingled with the sour odour of her vomit, the sweetness of her shit, and the coppery scent of her blood. Oh god, she was taken apart in here.
“Welcome to the ASPEC chamber, Katherine.” a disembodied female voice echoed in the closeness of the chamber, “You may call me Asp if you like. My job is to carry out your selections to ensure you experience your pre-death and death sensations.”
I knew the APSPEC was driven by a sophisticated AI computer, but I didn’t expect it to talk to me like a person.
“You have chosen a very violent and invasive end of life experience that is guaranteed to be overwhelming for you.” Asp went on, “If at any time you wish to bring your experience to an end you may tell me “kill me”, “make it stop”, or even “do me now”, and I will end your life as quickly and as painlessly as possible.”
I wonder if I will choose to cut short the brutal end I’d chosen - will I be strong enough to take it all the way? Or will I punk out when it gets rough and just want sweet oblivion?
“Is there anything you would like to ask before we begin?” Asp asks me.
“Show me the saw.” I ask her and I hear the whine of servomotors as a door opens above my lower belly and an articulated arm descends from within. At its end is a small and smooth oblong case with a saw blade protruding out of it. It looks like a slick, miniature circular saw, but the edge of the blade is like a razor and does not have serrations. The blade sticks out of the case about two inches - more than enough to saw through skin, fat, and muscles without damaging the intestines inside me too badly.
"Show me the hands." I ask Asp, and she does. I hear other servomotors and the click of a door opening and look down between my open thighs. Two articulated robotic arms emerge from the darkness under me, each with a mechanical hand on its end. The space between my knees is crowded now and that's where all the action will take place, the saw first then the hands reaching up over my lower belly. The hands on the arms emerge closed into fists, but as I watch they open and demonstrate the range of their motions. They are a wonder of mechanical design; hands with three thick fingers and a thumb, approximations of a human hand, each appendage made up of three metal lobes representing a thick finger. They flex open and closed, the wrists turning and bending.
“Tear my clothes off.” I whisper, and one hand reaches up and grasps the neckline of my top and rips the thin fabric effortlessly, splitting it down over my belly. The other slides its fingers into the waistband of my jogging pants and pulls downward pulling them over my bum and ripping them in two at the crotch.
"How deep can they go?" I ask Asp. Immediately one of the hands extends a finger and traces a line up the centre of my belly. It is slick with lubricant and vibrates softly with a low hum, the hardness of its fingertip playing on my skin. When it reaches my sternum it begins to vibrate more intensely as it slides first to my left nipple, then my right, making them both tingle and pucker.
"What areas do you want the hands to explore?" Asp asks me in her silky voice.
"I want one to stay below." I say, feeling breathless and shaky.
"Playing with your sex organs from the inside, perhaps?"
"Yes." I say and shudder, "And the other exploring, teasing my bowels, teasing my stomach."
“What organs would you like me to stimulate?”
“... all of them ...” I whisper, and hearing the breathless apprehension in my voice.
“And which ones do I remove?”
I shudder, “My guts.”
“Do you want me to induce vomiting? I detect that your stomach is filled with liquid, it can add to the overwhelming nature of the experience.”
I am still shaking, imagining what is about to be done to me, wondering if it will be too much.
“... y-yes ...” I gasp, committing to it all.
"As you wish." Asp says as the hands withdraw and lower themselves back into the shadows between my thighs. The saw descends to hover over my lower belly.
"Just push the switch under your right hand when you're ready for the final sequence, Katherine." Asp says, and I feel two fingers from each hand press into my cunt and rectum at the same time, my chest rising and falling as I am penetrated. Between my own oily cunt leaking out over my asshole and the lubricant on the mechanical fingers, they slide in effortlessly, and I feel the bump of each lobe as it sinks into my cunt and asshole simultaneously.
“Your thirty minute arousal phase will begin when you tell me to start. If you do not push the activation switch by the end of your thirty minutes, your final sequence will begin automatically.” Asp’s annoyingly pleasant voice explains.
“... I get it ...” I say breathlessly, squeezing down on the mechanical fingers inside me, “... now shut up ... and gut me ...”
I discover that the fingers inside me can also extend as they press even deeper into my cunt and my rectum, taking my breath away as they push. I feel the ache as the fingers press the mouth of my cervix upward into my uterus, and delve deep up my bum to straighten my rectum and squeeze into my transverse colon pulling it free from the left side of my belly where it has lived happily my entire life. Then the vibrations begin and they are so deep and so powerful that when the fingers begin to fuck me, sliding back and forth inside my long belly the sensations are more than I expected, I know I will push the switch long before my 30 minutes of arousal is up. I am already so aroused and I want to feel those hands deep inside my open belly. I want what Alexis got and more. Oh god, I want this machine to tear me apart.The fingers work me deep and fast, moving inside me, spreading apart to stretch the inside of my cunt and rectum, then
pulling outward and making it feel like they’re going to pull my guts right out of me through the jiggling cheeks of my bum. I begin shaking badly, already feeling overwhelmed by what they are doing.
Within seconds I’m on the verge of orgasm yet afraid to cum yet in case it robs me of any pleasure I may find in what will ultimately happen to me, but I can’t help myself and start squirming around these invasive mechanical fingers and crying out as I try to fight off my orgasm. Now I know why Alexis was crying out and screaming even before the ASPEC cut her belly open and began its serious wet work on her abdomen.
This mechanical foreplay is more invasive than anything I’d felt before and the thought that it is just getting started on me makes me shudder and sends fresh waves of shiver-bumps all over my body and scalp. I am feeling these hard-fingered hands inside my body in orifices that have been penetrated many times before and trying to imagine what they will feel like once they are right inside my belly, free from the flesh sheaths of my rectum and cunt, and pulling and ripping things from me that have never even been caressed before.
As I squirm and shiver a segmented curtain descends over my upper belly in anticipation of the cutting to stop the blood from spraying up across my face. Die Happy has thought of everything.
My orgasm rises suddenly and escapes my control, it is shocking and powerful and I feel my toes curl and cramp as it rushes upward from my lower belly to explode inside me and make me cry out nonsensically; “... ugh! ... canna ... CU-UM?” and it comes out like a question, and I think that I was trying to ask Asp if I could orgasm and not lose my severe arousal, but my mind is a riot of confusion. I desperately want it to slow down so I can regroup and get ready for the final assault on my body, but I know that is impossible now.
When I first lay down I thought I would experience a gentle build of arousal and at some point consciously surrender as I pressed the button to signal it to gut me, but the ASPEC has seized my body and invaded it deeply and terribly in the form of a welcomed rape, taking my away control completely, turning me into a squirming, cumming female beast. I almost press the button to finish it but I stop myself - I am eager for it to end, but terrified that it will end too soon. I wanted to be overwhelmed and I am getting my wish even before my assisted suicide starts.
My orgasm continues to come in waves, rippling from my overstuffed cunt and rectum up my bloating belly as my hand hovers over the button that will start my evisceration and end my life. But I am terrified. Will it continue to be orgasmic, or will the final pain rob me of all enjoyment? The fingers are causing damage inside me and I know that doesn’t matter anymore; I feel one of the fingers stretch my cervix open and slide into my uterus, bruising it and ruining it forever as the one in my bowels curls back on itself, making my belly cramp and ache as it tears delicate tissue inside me. I can feel the liquid rumbling in my bowels as everything inside me liquefies and they cramp like a bad bout of diarrhea coming on.
I can’t go on. I want it to end before I lose my mind. And maybe this is what it is programmed to do, to manipulate my body until I slap the button in desperation just to end this sexual torture. If I thought I could in that instant I would have cancelled the whole thing and let Asp summon an ambulance to take me to the numbed comfort of a hospital bed, but I knew if I did - if I could - I would never have the courage to come back here again and get what I had dreamed about the first time I pressed my ear to this chamber and heard a girl crying out as her body was destroyed.
Giving into an impulse, I slap my hand down on the button and hear/feel a loud clunk in the machinery below me as a relay switch drops into place and I hear the saw whine as it comes up to speed.
This is it!
I feel the cold air generated by the spinning blade on my hot sweaty skin as it lowers toward my belly on the other side of the curtain, and as the fingers pull hard out of me - making my guts and cunt feel suddenly hollow - I arch my back and press my lower belly outward and upward to meet the saw. It feels ice cold as it connects just inside the left wing of my hip bone and sinks into my flesh and I feel the fine spray of blood on my inner thighs as it traces along my bikini line to the opposite side in less time than it takes me to gasp in a breath. When the saw withdraws I scream as I feel my lower abdomen open like a gutted fish’s belly and my insides plump up out of me. The curtain lifts.
Oh god, it’s starting.
I wanted the pain of the cut to calm the storm in my body so I could slump and savour the deep invasion of my body by the hands, but that was not to be. The mechanical hands, still dripping from my cunt and bowels immediately insinuate themselves through the bloody slice across the bottom of my belly, opening it wider as they crowd into my guts, pushing my severed oblique muscles aside. I feel one wrap itself around my cunt and squeeze and the other slide upward, circling its hard fingers around my descending colon, squeezing and stroking it like I would stroke a man’s cock.
These sensations are overwhelming and so invasive. I squirm, swear, scream as the hand gripping my cunt begins to squeeze and release rhythmically and the other masturbates my gurgling bowels. I don’t know if it is an orgasm I am feeling or just the impossible sensations of Asp working two hands busily inside the tight confines of my belly. The hand on my colon is moving deeper and I feel its hard knuckles deforming my once flat stomach as it reaches for my transverse colon that runs across the top of my belly just under my stomach. I gag and heave as its knuckles accidentally stroke across the underside of my bloated stomach and I vomit up a mouthful of yoghurt that is foamy and sweet. I am worried by the gurgling and cramping in my bowels as the assault inside my belly continues and I struggle not to shit myself, then I question why am I fighting it? What do I care? I will never face any embarrassment when this is over. After my assisted suicide is complete and my heart beats its last I will be lowered into the base of the ASPEC and incinerated into non-existence. So I let go. I let it all go, and feel my anus gape wide and my rectum push out of that once tight ring of muscle, prolapsing, popping and squirting as trapped air and diarrhea burbles from me, and that surrender feels so sweet and so final.
The smells from my body fill this tight chamber; the musky exotic scent of my cunt; the sweet slurry I continue to puke up in little gushes over my chest; the sweat and skunky sharpness from my armpits; and the sweet smell of my own shit.
It seems to go on forever as I am submerged in a sea of orgasmic pain while the hand at the top of my abdomen reaches deeper and seizes and squeezes my kidneys then my liver, then grips my ascending colon and pulls it from me, dragging my thick large intestine right out of my belly, reaching back in and pulling ropes of my small intestine out as well. I scream and gasp and vomit small gushes of foamy yoghurt and bile as my body revolts against the riot of sensations inside me. The ASPEC is pulling me apart just like I asked it to. I descend into a quivering mass of bliss, losing myself in this exquisite torture.
The ASPEC must be monitoring my vitals, because just as I start to feel a cold lightness and my small world rotates backwards like that feeling one gets laying in bed after being too drunk, I feel the hand on my cunt start squeezing gradually harder, my g-spot throbbing under the pressure, sending waves of orgasm through me while the other hand slides deep, its fingers slipping under my bloated stomach. Those fingers tickle the tight ball of my stomach causing it to quiver and sending a blissful gurgling up my gullet, and me reacting by arching my back, I vomit straight up, my puke splashing back down on my face.
I feel myself fading now, my heart starting to flutter, losing its ability to sustain my life, and as I gasp in my last desperate breaths, I feel the hand cup my stomach and the fingers and thumb close then squeeze it ever tighter, emptying my stomach up my throat like it emptied my bowels between the flaccid cheeks of my bum, and my final orgasm rushes through me from asshole to throat.
Then all at once the hands release me and strangely I hear myself laugh as I empty my lungs for the final time.
I fade so gently then, spent and happy in death. My last sensation is slipping downward as the cradle opens and lowers me into the cremation chamber.
I hope the girls were aroused as they listened to me be opened and emptied.